Life moves on

I wonder if anyone still visits here, but anyway blogging here is just another ritual, or a place where nobody ever bothers with lots of infomation overload everywhere, but just blogging here for the sake of doing it.

Well, here I am.

It has been god knows how many months, I'm still in NS, serving as a NSF (havnt sign on yet), enjoying life in OCS (hmm...enjoying. cant believe I said that). Gone where the days of AGR, and strength training and fieldcamps. COmes the day of more 10-20km ET runs ( endurance training ), IPPT specific training, more fieldcamps and even more excerises!

Life being an officer cadet aint that easy, but 64 batches have done it, why cant I?

(Mentally noting down to kiwi boots, iron uniform, fold smart four, pack bag for book in, modify knee and elbow guard)

I havnt really seen my friends in ages. How are you all doing? Is everyone doing fine in their life? Happy? I really want to meet up with a few of you, but god knows if anyone wants to do that, or rather just bump me on the street and do a 5 sec hi-bye-takecare-seeyasoon.

Anyways, I dont really look forward to booking out on weekends. Anyone suffer this before? Hmm...I actually can dread coming out. Gosh the army must has poisioned me!

I wont type much here, for Mike Serria Delta might catch me.

ANyone keen on meeting me to catch up, collect old debts, pay back time, good old arcade outing, lan, dim sum, feel free to contact me! ITs the same no., 94510679. Just dont identify yourself as some insurance agent.

1mnth 2weeks

It has been long.

So long.

How have you guys been. I'm wondering if anyone still comes to this place.

Junkyard. Where I trash all my unhappiness and f-ed emotions.



So many questions in my life to be answered.
What is leadership
What makes a good leader
Popularity vs Being a leader.


One thing to be glad for in my life, I have someone special.

Ivy.

I know I dont blog much about you, thats just because I dont display my affections for you in the public.


I love you, more then ever, ever will be.

life after tml

I am going in.


































Take care my dear. I will think of you everyday and night.

2 weeks! man It seems like eternity now.

i do.

No promises.

But I am giving it all I have.

Trust me too.

Mom, I dont want too go.

Dear me,

I thought my life sucked. I thought NS will change everything.

I was right. I havnt had a life before I go in.

I have one now. Just 1 week before I go.

WHY!!! I really want to spend more time here. With you.


~ Next thurs. Will all be fine by then?

16 days more.

My dear friend.

In the end, I came here, to chat with you. It has been a long time since I saw you. I come before you know because I have much to say, much to complain about, and much to share.

I feel really down.
I feel really tired.
I feel really alone.

First of all, I have problems with my club. It was mine to begin with, cos it was me/us who chose the current committee. I dont know where it went wrong, how it came to this state, but its disasterous. There isnt any teamwork, there isnt anyone leading, it isnt going anywhere.

I am going back almost everyday, spending more time each day to settle and help the club. Someone once told me I sold my soul to the club. I didnt. I lost it. And now everyday is like fighting a losing battle. I revisit the strategy on the paper everyday with my fellow alumnis. Everyday we rant and complain. Its like a mini series. Dramatic, twist and turns everywhere.

Its the biggest challenge in my life right now. But I'm drained. Really.

And because of the club, WE are forced to outsource. And this has led to many small skrimishes. Many of which where built on false trust and friendship. Yet I wish some turn out to be true and fruitful.

I am bad with people. I make people angry. I make people sad. I make people unhappy for all kinds of reasons. And today, I have made 2 more. I am truly sad and sorry. Nothing can express how I am feeling right now.

This sudden influx of PR have taken its toll on me. I wan a long vacation. Away from all these. I dont even know why am I here.

I feel lonely.

I would like someone to talk to, all of these. But sadly, I can turn to none. Is this desperation? I'm looking for a partner. Just a friend. Now I know its hard to find a friend you can trust.

For once, the al mightly chongyew, always so confident of himself, who alway thinks he comes before all, stands above all, is taking a backward stance. I am standing among everyone else.

I feel as thou my wings are clipped.
Trapped between the barb wires.
Stripped bare by the howling winds.

Now I feel the full magnitude of stuff, stuff from the humane world.

And too, I understand the phrase "dont make the girl fall for you if you aint going catch her".

The worst thing to do is to bring one's spirit up 100 times and turn on gravity.

Its like a double whammy. A chain car accident. A surgery and have infection set in. To kiss and slap the person again.

Tell me, have I sinned so much in my 19yrs here. This is a test/battle/race that I cannot complete alone.

I looked out the grailes.
There isnt any stars.
Even the moon was hiding.
Where are you my old friends.
Have you abandoned me for good.
To be thrown into an abyss.
Alone.


Goodnight, my evil twin.

Hello

Meisy!

=D

c u tml in club hahahahaha

Election!

Head to

http://www.flickr.com/photos/outofcolor

To see my shots!

Name calling, the worst of the worst.

I think most people know I am a badie. And I have numerous other name called before.

Fucker ( actually not quite heard that..)
Bastard
Moron
Shit
Evil
and so on lah I really cant remember.

"You know I really hate you..You really asshole you know!"

Asshole. Now tts a long one I didnt heard for a long time.



So guys...I am really satan's reincarnation.

Seasons.

I'm listening to ayumi's Seasons, which is an old fav of mine. And makes me to wonder am I one? haha..

Anyway was reading the new paper a few days back, didnt had the energy to blog. I read an article on married women going on sexual escapades secretly, and reading that really like wtf, although I mean it has been happening around and its no big deal. If any of my female friends reading this thinks its no big deal pls let me knw =D.

Anyway just makes you question the morality of the society as it progresses. And men cheating on their wives is already sad enough, now the opp is taking place!!! Maybe the kids shld start some also right. This are the actually the young and hip ladies thinking that sleeping around is and ok thing to do man! (i mean when your married, I'm totally fine with sleeping around as long as both party enjoy it and no strings attached)

I cant find the article, but shit has it that she said that she loves her husband, she loves her family (not sure whether she have kids yet,) but she sure hell doesnt want to be tied down and wants to have hot steamy sex around. At the end of the day, she still will return to her husband yah.

EEKs. So what is love? Love = marriage? I think it not that simple all along. Marriage is something like a tool for the male to passdown the family line, and the female to make sure that she can be cared for and doesnt worry about fighting for survival. I sure dont mind sleeping around, as long as my partner can support me for the rest of my life and he doesnt know about it. Erks.

Sure is hell that my mind is totally swayed towards singularity. A single positron in the masses of neutrons and electrons. I think I was too native in my previous post that getting a pet might solve some things. Hmm. Now to comtemplate the future from here.

1. I dont mind getting married, if so then divorce is 100% possible and I would be ready for it.
2. I dont mind having an active sex life, with multiple partners, but sure am I not purposely sleeping around for.
3. And hell no married ladies pls. I shld slap them if anyone apporaches me, but then again maybe I cant resist if she's too hot ( ahaha MEN.)
4. What did I hear that I must be joking that I could be sleeping around with women! Haha I also dont know, and I dont have any foreign dna in me, no sharp features and hell not fit and smart and the list goes on. But you never know you know...

I doesnt really know who reads my blogs nowadays. I think female readership is like 0.0000%%. So I dont really give much damn into blogging now. Perhaps the fever has passed, moved on to podcast or wad, but it isnt the fever that I was interested in. Its the staying in contact sort of things. I would have guessed the message I would like to bring across isnt getting read by the relevant parties, so heck lah I wulddnt giv a damn.

Signing off.

-

I'm watching jewel in the palace these few days, incase u didnt know, its called da chang jin in chinese.

For the first time, i really like watching a tv-series. It makes me reflect on my life, and think more about myself and the world around me.

Ah i got soft spot for korean shows and dramas! Brotherhood and jewel in the palace is truly worth watching. At least they dont make you cry over some lame plot.

Somehow, i would just like to be a single, ordinary people, and help everyone else. I would want to come between anyone or anything. I will elaborate more of that in the next post.

Good night my friends.

-

Are we not destined for great things? Wrong. Am I not destined for great things?

Fate is your own hands. Fight! Fight chongyew. Why. Why give up. Why do you strongly regard what people thinks, what people say.

You must fight. You must stand up. Cos no one is going to help you. Not your parents, your sister, your friend, your mentor.

-

Are we not destined for great things? Wrong. Am I not destined for great things?

Fate is your own hands. Fight! Fight chongyew. Why. Why give up. Why do you strongly regard what people thinks, what people say.

You must fight. You must stand up. Cos no one is going to help you. Not your parents, your sister, your friend, your mentor.

08 06 06

Enlistment. 2 mnths 6 days more.

z.

Dear blog, my imaginary friend

FUCK IT I HAVE NOT BEEN SO FUCKED UP FOR LONG.

Does it pay to be a nice guy? I dunnoe.

When it comes to money, they say " talk money, hurt relationship".

I have a friend whois shooting for the school. and I am suppose to shoot as well. But because there is the exhibition to settle, I opted to oversee the exhibition while he is shooting. It is paid btw. Tomorrow there is another shoot, if both photogs go both will get paid, but who will oversee the exhibition? I am going to oversee the exhbition tomorrow. The job is $20 an hour, today's is 6 hours. Tomorrow is roughly the same. For today actually I had an assignment, which was to cover the award ceremony for the SP robotics team in NYP. It was suppose to be a whole day event, which I would have roughly earn the same amount, but for me I dun think I will bluff that I was there the whole day. I will probably say I did 2 hrs. I WAS overseeing the exhibition preparation.

We have another job, which is a workshop for a secondary school. Its $200 for 5 lessons of 2hr 1 lesson per week. I said I am going to take everything, and it isnt a joke. Maybe to him it sounded like a joke?

Everyone wants money. We are both in a poor state right now, but I feel unjustified. Its true, someone will scold me stupid, why should I oversee the exhibition preparation? I could have shoot as well, earned the same amount. But for me, I had always took upleadership positions natually. Ok fuck it. No one understands?

I dont really mind that he has earned more money from the school then I have. After all they had contacting him first. Ok fine. But, for the workshop, we had both intended to try to "friend" an instructor as much as possible. So he can be our mentor. But during the workshop, he took the first strike, as well as another friend of mine from another workshop we attended. FOR ME, I find, ah fuck it, since they want it so badly, I back out. What? Stupid again? FINE, say I am stupid, I am wadeva, but for me, I have always treated my friends sincerly, I would always have given my friends the opptunity first.

The result? The instructor called him yesterday to ask whether he was free on friday to help him as personal assistant on his shoot. In case you didnt know, that was very important to young photographers to be working with their pro photographer. I am happy and sad when I heard that. What sucks the most is that he asked whether I can take the sch job on friday! I thought we where suppose to shoot it together (before it was decided that I will oversee on fri).

You earned the cash, you have gotten your dream mentor, what is next?

Isnt it time for me to be more selfish, for myself. I have lost so much. But then again, most of YOU will probably said I didnt grab the chance when I can. Forget it. I dun think writing on my blog here will explain anything. Everyone see me as an idiot, loud and big mouth son-of-a-bitch friend, always fucking here fucking there, hating the world, blah blah blah.

Anyone of you actually know I care the most for my friends? I treasure friendship almost more then everything else, I will help my friend even if I have to pay it with my life. ANYONE KNOW? ANYONE SAID THANKS? ANYONE CARE?

No. All I get is simple T H A N K Y O U, and T H A N K S A H.

What? Thankyou is not enough??? YEs. I have every right to be selfish. I have every right to believe that what I helped other people has to make me feel wanted, yes wanted, and appreciated. Sometimes a simple thankyou is ok, but at other times, show more appreciation. Yes I helped you in this and that, after that when you have accomplished what you want, you forgot about me. Yes, you, you the dear friends of mine. Because at the end of the day, I am not your best friend, I am not your dear friend, I am not your friend. I am your classmate, your acquintance. Your friend's friend, someone you meet on the street. Crappy, Idiotic, Stupid, Rude, Impolite, Careless, etc etc eTc ETC ETC ETC ETC

You know my dear friend who are reading this, I feel like ending my life for the umpteenth time. I have so FUCKING ENOUGH of helping people out. I HAD FUCKING ENOUGH YOU READ ME? READ ME??????!!!!!!!

It doesnt matter if you dun understand me, dun care, dunnoe what to do. Do yourself a favour, treasure the people beside you. For a matter of fact, you have lost one here, to learn to treat your other friends, family, girlfriend boyfriend better. Yes...YOU my dear friends.

It really doesnt matter if I oversee the exhibition preparation tomorrow, or spilting the money for the workshop, getting all the money, or none. Because at the end of the day,

I am just another person in my dear friend's life.

friends

Long time no update.

I just finished shooting home by objectifs. Not the best of works produced. I will upload soon. The main exhibition is held at objectifs this sat, 1730 onwards. Do support me, but I wonder how many people will actually see this and come. Directions can be found at www.objectifs.com.sg

bought ibook 12".

Super shot on cash.

Super busy, with 2 workshops to conduct, Sch's shoot for 12+ clubs for their leaflet, getting the exhibition up, shooting for the reunion show, etc, and training for NS!

Anyway, I saw my friends posting up pictures of them attending their friend's grad, commissioning parade, ceremonies, birthdays.

I dun happen to be invited to such places, and I dont think anyone will come to mine anyway.

Its like when you know a friend is at some ceremony and you gather your friends to suprise him. Doesnt happen for me.

But should I be whinning here?

I just want.

Everyone to be happy.

even if I am not.

What it takes to be loved and wanted

I went home after work today, it was 2315. While passing the adjacent block to where I lived, I saw a cat. She ( I assumed ) was tagged with a yellow collar. Well, she was the only one cat who didnt run away when I tried to approach her.

I like animals, and she was purring and sitting near the drain when I walked pass. I hesitated, and headed back. She walked slowly towards me, of course purring softly in the progress. Awww, so sweet. I wanted to stroke her, but had a few items on my hands. I sat on a nearby bench and started putting items into my bag. Without hesitation, she jumped right next to me on the bench!! Wahaha. I keep my items in the bag and started scratching her ( sounds weird, but I cant really seem to find the correct word. Groping? Fondling? Eww ). The next moment, she jumped onto the bag infront of me and sat there, laid against my chest. It was such a peaceful moment. And instantly she helped me wash away my foul mood for the day from work. I hated work. I hated the people I saw, I... arg. Hate is a wonderful word.

She made me aware of one point. She didnt care who I was, She didnt care how I look, she didnt care whether I was fat, short, ugly, bad tempered, foul mouth-ed, arrogant, proud, uncivilised, jerk, bastard, poor. To her what I were and who was I really didnt matter. As long as I can give her some scratches on her back, gave her some warmth, she will be happy to be with me.

That is something people cant give. Everything else mattered to everyone else.

I hate this world. I rather a pet for life then wife and kids.

Shooting home

I, am, very glad I got into shooting home. Incase you didnt know what is shooting home, visit http://www.objectifs.com.sg/sh.htm .

I am sad because of a good friend of mine didnt got in. I am scared because of the seriousness of it (working with professionals! if your work sucks, it will reflect badly on yourself, and you will have a bad name carried around the professional world). And now, I am dead tired, considering I have to work for 4 days to earn $400 to pay for the course.

Its an anti-climax, the moment I received a call from my friend saying that the confirmation letter has arrived, to now where I have to work. Instead of thinking of coming up projects for the 4 days workshop.

Now that I have graduated, I am kinda lost. Where should I go next? A first in my life, and its worth bloggin it down. Really lost. Although I am going to serve national service, its the uncertainty of the future that scares me.

Its so sad. I open-ed msn messenger, and found no one I can talk to. 120+ contacts. No one.

What am I becoming, where am I heading, and how can I materialize my dream? Uncertainties.

lastest pic from my fisheye!

hand, dog, maid.

On the way to dinner after teaching my dear friend swimming.

"You broke my heart but never shattered it completely. And that is the cruelest thing to do to somebody. It broke it into one thousand parts. So that piece by piece it flaked off. Like bad paint off a humid Hong Kong wall. Carrying off fragments of the hopeful, optimistic me that you once knew and cared about."


It is in every human to yearn to be loved and taken care of, to have a place in society.

As much as I say I want to be single, even more I have the burning desire to find a great partner.

But for the time being, I'll let my dream of being a photojournalist occupy me, and let myself be busy-ed by meeting new people.

An expensive critique session.

I didnt know. Perhaps ppl didnt take me seriously. Perhaps ppl view me as immature.

Anyway the photojournalism course at Objectifs seemed like an expensive critique session. $360 to be critiqued by 2 photojournalist. And somehow I got the idea of not been treated seriously. I did learn something nonetheless, and that is to keep shooting.

Before that workshop I was feeling on top of the world. Now I feel inferior to everyone. z. This is bad.

Anyway I shall keep on shooting, recently got a lomo Fisheye camera. Dont be suprised if I shoved it in your face!

About valentine's day, I decided not to whine so much. Just let it be.

thevdayproject.com 2006

Probably you have heard about it. Perhaps you havnt heard about it.

It was truly a last minute thing, and I had planned it with my good sch classmate weichao.

This was the plan, to setup a small location on orchard road on valentines day, to shoot passing by couples and sit down or stand still on some decorations I have provided.

The intent was sort of like making time stand still for both of them, and in the busy orchard road, the crowd behind them is blurred by the fast movement, and at that moment, only the couple is fixed, and in that spilt second, time will stand still for them.

Anyway I forgotten much of wad I want to write. My sister was hogging the com.

It was great to have lots of friends to come and support and help out. I cldnt have made it without their help.

Anyway a post mortem of my project.

I spent over $200++
Some of the photos where blur.
I owe ivy and her cousins a treat
I owe them their pay!
I owe weichao some cash too
I owe webhosting money

I had a pay of $270 and allowance of $100 of 2 wks. I'm left with $20+. For 2 wks.
And btw I think I dont have enough money to print out 20 8R photos for my portfoilo submission.

Call this lousy planning.

And I wanted to capture the spirit of valentine's day, like why the day is special to you, how did you celebrated it.

I actually wanted my photos to be of inspiration to other couples who arnt doing too well in their romance. And hopefully they can rekindle their love for each other.

To me, it was a 3/10 for the event. And at the end of the day, people came in groups/pairs and left in groups and pairs. I, well, went alone home to think what went wrong.

Happy valentine's day.

www.thevdayproject.com

Make or Break : Season end

ABout 50 views since last post. This shows how much people care for me yah. Ohhh~

Anyway in the ENGLISH premier LEAGUE, or known as EPL or otherwise known as england's top division soccer league or otherwise the show on TV ah peks and ah bengs crowd to watch in kopitiams or the soccer fanatics in pubs or the despo as Singapore Pools betting stations staring into the computer screen for aeons.

The thing I want to say is, in any season of soccer, there is the make or break period of time for any soccer team. In this short period of time, they play more matches then they usually do, and the fixtures are back to back, playing against other teams the day after.

It is now for me.

Tomorrow I am going to skip school to be an photographic assistant to a photographer for a corperate shoot. Those CEOs need their photos yah. It starts from 0800 ends at 1700.

At 2200 I'm going to catch Thaipusam preparations. Its an Indian festival, where the faithful pierce their bodies and in act of faith and carry the heavy props over a distance of 3clicks. Event starts from 0000 all the way to 2200 on Sat. WHOLE DAY OF SHOOTING!

Next week, I have 1 test, 2 projects due, 2 presentation, 1 interview,

NExt week end, finally will the course I have enrolled myself. Photojournalism workshop by Objectifs!!!!

And horray. 21st of march is my first exam paper. 4-5 (cant remember) paper due. Which means next wk is for studying.

Photographic competitions deadline.
Anti-Drug Photographic Competition - 17th Feb
“Tampines – My Home” - 19th Feb
Portfoilo Submission for SHOOTING HOME, Objectifs - 20th Feb
Singapore Youth Commonwealth Photo Competition - 5th March
Singapore Young Photographer Award (SYPA) - 15 June


With respect to poorer english, this is a maker or breaker, right here right now.
Its my turn to have some faith.

Post 89. Chinese New year!

After watching Jet Li's fearless yesterday. I was set thinking on my way home.

In the movie, Jet Li wanted to be TianJin's No. 1 in martial arts. (Warning lor. Spoiler LOr. Don't blame me if you haven't watched the show. YOUR WOLS!) He wanted to regain his family's honor, and his make his Huo Jia Quan famous. In his conquest of No.1, he killed Master Chin, his last opponent before he is No.1. Master Chin's stepson wanted revenge, and killed Huo Yuan Jia's (Jet li) mother and daughter. YuanJia wanted to fight Master Chin also to seek revenge over his beating up of one of his students. But, the student was punished because he insulted ( In chinese terms means not verbally, but you know something like molesting or wadeva lah) Master Chin's wife. YuanJia fought for the wrong reason, and his family is killed in the process.

He wandered around, living in the painful memory of the death of his mother and daugther. (Not before killing the stepson of course). And blah blah blah, cut the story short, he learnt that fighting isnt for being No.1. Wushu should be to strengthed one's mind, body and soul (?). A fight should be a ground to learn to defeat one's greatest enemy, which is oneself. And I dont quite remeber much, but I think the show was very meaningful.

And for this new year, I reckon I need a new beginning to begain with. I have always wanted to take part in photographic competitions, to be the No.1 young photographer out there.

I guess I was wrong. A competition is a ground to gather all the talented photographers to showcase his works. Its not about competiting, but to see the other wonderful photos out there. Even if I win every competition there is, its meaningless. To improve my photography, I shall setup a website, my personal website, and a short column where people can send in their photos and I can help them improve their picture! (To the best I can). I have this skill, and I should help everyone else improve theirs. Its all about sharing.

One's biggest enemy is oneself, and to improve my pics as well I shall review them with thought. Not just happy snapping anymore, and lamenting why people won. The path to self discovery!

Too much vengence. Too much hate. I guess my aim for this new year, is to make more friends, more happy faces, and less enemies! And less vulgarities to go with the main dish. Always fuck here fuck there also not good right. But seriously I wonder how long can I not mention fuck, considering I am going into the army soon. But nevermind, I shall make the most of it while it last!



Happy new year to all my friends, close or far. I shall be a good boy (men?) this year! Yeah!

Blur as that hogdog

Just a short update, with a forecast of this year's event for me!

I've been trying out, 5times a week, to get myself ready for the dreaded napfa test. My chest muscles are aching and they arnt airport anymore!!! ::upzz::

I'm graduating soon, in 1mnths time.. And for the first time in my life, I know what direction I am heading and what to do. A full time photographer!!!! Perhaps I'm heading to TP to study visual com, major in photography.. Hmm.

now for the yearly forecast.

It is expected to be a lonely season ahead. Its going to be all stormy on valentine's day, children's day, youth's day.

Expect heavy showers on later months like december and august. Thats when the festive season starts..again, and the auspicious 03-08-2006. I'm going to spend it in camp, and perhaps its going to be 0% decline in presents as well! ( F.Y.I, last year was Z.e.r.o. )

We might occasional sunny days, such as vesak day, labour day, national day, where I can go out and do some photography.

Overall outlook for 2006, heavy showers and thunderstorms. Remember to bring an umbrella out to shield from the affections for everyone else around, and raincoat is recommended to provide a sense of mystery and solo aura (wtf is that??!)

OK tts all for now.

Weatherboy out.

Never good enough.

Never good enough.

Never tall enough
Never handsome enough
Never fast enough
Never smart enough
Never intellectual enough
Never nice enough
Never polite enough
Never pleasant enough
Never considerate enough
Never mature enough
Never fit enough
Never rich enough
Never cool enough
Never funny enough
Never romantic enough

Never good enough in photography, in sports, in studies, in exams, in relationships, in everything.

There is always a mountain higher. I never really tried overcoming one, ah heck wtf I wouldnt give a damn. Perhaps for me, why would I wan to climb that mountain. Maybe at the top, you would have seen someone's flag stuck there, and at the far end there are tons of mountains. Higher.

It has always been me. I laugh it all away.

I, am never good enough for myself, for anyone, for this world.